Let me get this straight. Your elderly father gets into an accident and breaks his arm. Not only do you not return home to make sure he’s okay, but you flat-out refuse to do him a solid and fill in for him as Santa in a Christmas parade that’s scheduled to be featured on a big Good Morning America-type show. This Santa gig is literally your dad’s passion, but you’re like, “Nah, I have to stare at my MacBook and not write the great American novel.”
THEN, when you are duped by Stephanie Tanner into returning to your hometown, you don’t just suck it up and suit up, but you skip town almost immediately, arguing that — as a part-time Uber driver — there will be a lot of people who need rides in Boston this time of year. Because driving drunk Massholes from bar to bar is more important than helping your ailing father.
THEN — and this is just icing on the cake — you DRESS UP AS SANTA for the strange kids of Stephanie’s friend because the younger one has a fever and can’t go to the mall and request more trinkets to fill his enormous mansion.
But this is not your way of telling Stephanie Tanner that you’ve had a change of heart and will be playing Santa in her Christmas parade after all. Nope, Santa’s workshop is CLOSED. “The rent’s not going to pay itself,” you tell her. Well, dummy, she offered to pay you for this ridiculously long Uber ride, but you said no.
Also, don’t shit on Stephanie Tanner’s life. “What kind of dreams did you have for your life?” you ask her. You, the wannabe novelist who drives for Uber. Stephanie, while clearly not yet living her best life, has still carved out a nice existence for herself thus far. She’s well-liked in the town, running a successful business despite losing both her parents, and pursuing a side passion. So maybe take a page from her rather than criticizing her choices.
And that moody crap you pulled when you heard Stephanie say the parade is her legacy and that she’d do anything to protect it? That is some classic emotionally abusive boyfriend BS. Seriously, Stephanie should just put the suit on and do it her damn self. In fact, we don’t need you. Boy, bye!
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